My Feelings.....

WARNING....THE FOLLOWING IS JUST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I HAVE BEEN HAVING OVER THE WEEKEND AND I AM JUST WRITING THIS POST FOR ME TO GET THESE OUT AND IN WRITING, MAYBE IT WILL HELP. SO JUST DISREGARD THIS POST I WILL DO A REAL ONE TOMORROW.

It's been a very hard weekend for me, very emotional and mentally hard, which I'm not use too, I've always been mentally sound and had happy thoughts and feelings, I know that the meds I'm on play into it but I always thought that I would still have control over them. It's just weird to feel this way and not know why or what to do, or how to fix it.

Friday was the day I notice it start, I just started crying when I was talking on the phone, silent tears but they came, then when I hung up they all just came, and the worst part is that right now since I can't breathe very well it's hard to cry! I can't laugh or cry! So that made it all the more worse, and it was a good cry which you might think is a good thing to get out once in awhile but I hate when I cry alot because then I'm tired, my eyes hurt, are big and puffy, even the next day I feel like I was hit by a truck! so Sat. morning wasn't good and my Husband forgot his cell phone when he went to school to study and I just sort of was a little panicky, nervous, it's hard to describe because I've never felt this way before, I'm very independent and strong, but I just didn't feel right, and I was still so tired and I tried to lay down and rest but it felt like if I went to sleep I would die, I know it sounds ridiculous and crazy but I did, and so I forced myself to stay awake, I sat outside, flipped tv..... finally my husband came home, felt much better, I thought maybe going out would help, maybe I've been in the house too long, my husband made me lay down with him and I didn't fall asleep but was able to rest enough that I actually felt a little better.

I left and ran a few errands, came home, took a shower and did a treatment (I do four treatments or therapy's a day) and then we went to our friend's house and that was just fine all was great, I did good, felt fine, that evening was okay, sunday I was okay, I continued to just have this nawing at me, I'm not ready to die, I don't want to leave my loved ones, understand I'm not afraid to die I mean I won't have this body holding me back anymore!!! but I think it's still the unknown, we know but we don't. So I hate when I feel like that, and also when I feel like I'm slipping in health even more, I'm already on a scale of 1-10 I feel like a 3, I don't have far to go, I don't have extra space, like to fall, that's scares me, I don't want to be useless, I already don't cook anymore, I don't keep house like I use too, I watch tv all day and play on the computer!

I'm on 6 liters of oxygen per min. I know it could get worse but it's certainly not 1!!!!!!! and anymore and I would have to wear a mask and not a canula, or worse go on bi-pap all the time! I hate having no energy, I didn't cross-stitch at all!!! I hate watching so much tv and not doing anything during it! But sometimes I just don't feel like it! That's how I felt all weekend.

Monday was better and my husband came home at lunch time from school and that was so needed, I feel much much better today I feel I am mentally much better and I started my cross-stitching again, and there was actually something good to watch on tv tonight! Oh how I wish I had tivo with all the hours of tv I watch I wish I had tivo so I could watch stuff I liked and didn't have to suffer through hours when only stupid stuff is on. I am so grateful we have cable though, I would seriously die if I didn't!

So please if you've read this far, don't take any of what I've said the wrong way, I'm sure I will reread it and it won't make any since, I'm not a good writer. I just really needed to get this out, as that's my goal to record my thoughts/feelings/journey of my life right now.