The End

There's never a fairy tale ending but mine is kinda close. I have been slowly getting worse week by week day by day and finally today happened, the day we knew would come, I coughed up blood, luckily it wasn't alot, but know we set into plan what we had decided on long ago. We are going into what is Pallitive sedation (a deep sedation) so that I will not know or feel if I start to cough up hemoptysys again. They will also take off the bi-pap and then I pretty much pass away. I will have my husband update on here as soon as he can.

Thank You to the blog community and the blog friends I have met.

Pictures finally......

Alright blogger isn't leting me load any more, here's what I could...Texas love bottles... Both chewing on bones or a toy...
Kinda dark but a good picture....
Again, a little dark but a good picture...
Chugs in her begging mode, Texas just gives you hard to resist puppy eyes...

Still hangin' in there....

Wow I am so sorry, I didn't realize that I havne't updated since the beginning of July! I have to honestly say part of it is once because I have just been hanging out in the hospital and don't feel like I have much to say and two because I don't feel like anyone is reading! I will log onto my email and there won't be any emails from the blog (it emails me when people comment) and so I will just read blogs and then get tired and sleep!

But thank you to the two of you who have commented about where I have been and hoping I am still around. I can't believe I am still here, I also can't believe how long I might stay here! Oh how do I shorten the story?

I came in with tension pneumothorax, four chest tubes later I am finally free! but it has done damage to my lungs as every hospital visit does and therefore I am 'weaker' than before I came into the hospital! That was pretty short!

So I do not have anymore chest tubes in, I got the last one pulled on friday and then Monday I made the decision to do 100% comfort care, basically so they would give me more pain meds, it means that they focus more on how I feel and my 'comfort' than what the numbers say or worry about giving me too much pain meds because it will affect my respiratory etc...

I thought I was on the way out a couple times, I still feel and know that it is near, when though is so hard to tell! I have come to peace with it being my time but I am not gone yet! So since I am still kickin' I will still do what I feel I need to do and it gives me time to work on me (something I feel like maybe I am still here because I need to work on me!).

This has to be extremely hard on my husband! The hospital is over an hour away from where we live so he spends the night (on a bad cot of course) when he can and so then we need to have people take care of the dogs, he also has school and is doing clinicals, now he has a lot to make up because my health has been so up and down! And it will only continue! He has to juggle so many things I feel for him and honestly am glad I am the one in the hospital and that he is the one out there, I don't know if I could handle it all!

My little girls have been spending more time with me and I have been able to take some photos from my phone and capture some precious moments...

Just kidding of course it isn't letting me load, I will return......

Breaking Records..

That's me a record breaker! Just not of any records that I want to break! Yesterday I totally forgot to add that I had tied my record of longest hospital stay so today I break that record! Three weeks goin' on four now!

Also yesterday I finally got my hair washed!!! Only going a full three weeks without washing my hair! I know, I know, I'm a cosmotologist how could I do that? basically because I can't wash it! They do have a 'shampoo cap' but that doesn't work, they heat it in the microwave, put it on your head massage it around and it does have some soap in it but they let it cool and take it off and that's it! a no rinse solution, therefore it is still in your hair and I feel makes my hair feel worse than before, so that's why I haven't done one this visit, but one of the HCA's here told me she could wash my hair if I could just sit in a chair, sure I said, so we did it yesterday and not only did she wash it but she blow-dryed it too! Oh it felt so so good! So now my hair doesn't look quite so bad.

As for our fourth of July, we didn't go to bed until 5am!!!!!!! but it wasn't because of a big party or fireworks, instead it was because of my special lungs! I kept getting a little more short of breath as the day worn on yesterday and was more tired, so I had them get an ABG (Arterial Blood Gas) the intern was a little funny because I told the nurse I wanted one and so the nurse had to call the intern and he said 'I've never had anyone ask for one!' the reason is I wanted to see what my C02 was, about a week earlier it had climbed pretty high, so we did it and it was a little high but a lot lower than it had been, nothing to worry about yet, they did another one a half hour or so later and it did go up a little but that isn't what the problem was we had also done an x-ray and they couldn't see anything, they called the dr. and he said do a CT scan because with me it's never simple, we all remember what fun we had last time right?

Well, wasn't as bad this time, came back to the room and in an hour or two told us we would be going to CT to check-out the chest tube or maybe even put in a new one, they saw a good amount of air in there, so we went down about 3 in the morning and I'm so grateful that the dr. drove over an hour to be there, he was the one that put it in, so he was able to just pull it out a little and it was in the right spot and they got a lot of air out right away, I didn't feel a major difference in breathing like all the other times, but then again it wasn't as bad, at least I did feel better and my breathing is much better today.

My little doggies are coming up to visit me tonight! Yippee!

Happy Fourth of July!

I hope everyone has a Happy, Fun, and Safe Fourth of July, I will be enjoying fireworks from my hospital room but I am grateful that I have such a beautiful view and that it will (or should) include a view of a good fireworks show.

Not much to report or say, I have a couple really good days and then a couple of not so great days, still just watching the little chest tube, may have it all weekend.

Well, just watching the U.S. Olympic Swim Trials, can't wait for the Olympics, wow that's next month!

What is going on with me?

Wow I am so sorry it has been so long since I've updated, I keep wanting too, I get on the computer and sign in, but then I read blogs and by the time I'm done I am worn out and need a break and then I never get around to it! I really want to blog because I have had some experiences I don't want to forget. So let's get started and see how far I get! I get inturrupted so many times!

First is when they took me to do a CT scan, I have talked to dr.'s about this before and my dr.'s know how hard it is for me, I can't lay flat, I haven't in over 10 years, I started out with just 2 pillows and now sleep on 4-6 depending on my health. Now the biggest reason I can't lay flat isn't because it's hard to breathe but that I start to cough up blood, no good ever comes of that. So I have not had a CT scan in a really long time.

Well they really needed one to help determine if and where the air in my lungs is. So I consented, I am on bi-pap 24/7 it helps me to breathe, well come to find out it has no back-up battery and therefore you can not use it while you are being transported, I had to use a regular oxygen mask, alright I thought I can do it I can be strong, the RT guy would follow me down with the bi-pap and set it up and then hook me up to it once we were there, they CT people also promised me that it would only take 30 secs for the test.

We got down there and the RT hooked up the bi-pap it didn't reach! I was kinda freaking out! I needed it to breathe! So they were telling me that they could have it all done in 2mins. and I could be out of there, I really had no choice, what was I going to do, go all the way down there and then for just two mins. not do it? so I scooted over onto their table and then.....laid down....I was praying the entire time, plus for some reason had the stupid band-aid song stuck in my head so I was singing that little slogan over and over (reminds me did I mention that the whole ride up to the hospital for the Pneumothorax when I really couldn't breathe I was singing the little song "Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, for the Bible tells me so" it goes something like that, anyways that's all I could remember and that's all I kept repeating over and over in order to control my breathing).

It probably did only take two mins. it felt a little like three to me:) then I had to continue to breathe with a regular mask until we got back to my room, but I made it, I survived. It was a little break-through for me because I had felt like I couldn't get off the bi-pap, sometimes we have to be forced like that to prove it is possible. Also I can't describe what I went through during that CT scan, the prayer I prayed is hard to describe but it was one of me placing all my trust in the Lord, I thought I already had! I thought I trusted in Him and the things happening in my life, I trust Him, but it was more this time, I truely trusted that my life was in His hands.

So I think I already talked about the big chest tube and how that came about. Then we did do the procedure and because I had had so many episodes of pneumothorax they decided to do the more evasive one the Talc, they did it and for a couple hours afterwards I was fine and thought I might be one of the lucky ones that won't experience much pain! WRONG! It took five days to really get things undercontrol or by then the pain finally was better, I had so many issues with pain management, but also it meant that I had several close calls if you know what I mean, lots of pain meds equals respiratory failure! so several times it was a close call, we have actually thought that this visit might actually be the last one. Then these last couple days we are thinking I might actually get better!

They pulled the big chest tube out yesterday and it is so nice! I can move a lot more and can lean a little on my left instead of my right all the time. I am actually getting real sores on the right side! I have been sitting in a chair for a couple hours these past few days too. So we will see where I go from here! At least I have a good view of the city and will be able to enjoy the fireworks tomorrow, I will also tie my record of longest hospital stay tomorrow! not a record I wanted or was trying to break!

Wow, now I need to sit back and read some blogs.

Update...

So I had typed the previous post up, wanted to add more but of course had dr.'s etc... come in and it was ICU so busy, I wanted to share more of my feelings of what happened, but that would have been a long post.

As for today they got more x-rays, if the air in my lungs is pretty much gone they will do the procedure this afternoon, if not we have to wait because it will do no good! But at the same time we can't wait forever because my body isn't responding to chest tubes like it should, the dr. said he's had patients with chest tubes for weeks! I do have a tear in my pleural wall which will just continue to do somsething, produce fluid etc... everytime I cough and move. So that's not good.

I also cough alot because that is part of Cystic Fibrosis! we produce more and thicker mucus (which is why the little chest tube keeps getting plugged) and therefore our cough is deeper and junkier, some people can identify us because of our cough!!!!!!!! So that doesn't help all this or the pain issue. Aaahh life in the hospital.

My husband has stayed with me since wednesday (although he did go home this morning to change etc... he didn't have any clothes with him when he came up since he came straight from school since it was an emergency!) this is the longest we've left the dogs, so they have been in a pen for two days! we do have a friend going over and taking them out two or three times a day and feeding them but they are so not use to being in the pen! they are spoiled little girls who are free all day, I know they are just dogs but I feel bad nonetheless, hopefully I will be home soon and things will be more normal.

I hope to post tomorrow and say everything is good, the procedure went well and not as painful as expceted (they say it's very painful) I just really pray and ask anyone to pray for me that this procedure will work the way it is suppose to and that I will not suffer any side effects or have anything go wrong with the procedure.

Take a deep breath for me!:)

Pneumothorax #3 #4 #5 #6

This was typed up Thursday June 20, 2008
Yes you read that right I have had four episodes of Pneumothorax since Tuesday evening to Wednesday morning, my chest tube kept getting clogged and I would then have air fill my lungs and it would get really hard to breathe, I know I am making it sound much less serious than it was, the very first one (or #3 in this case) was so horrible they almost had to intubate me, luckily one of the dr.'s came in and did a special thing to the tube and all the air came out. It is amazing how that feels, one or two seconds earlier and you can't breathe, then you really do feel like your lung is expanding and you can breath again!

So after this happening a couple times that night they sent me to ICU then the next morning it started happening again, they decided to put in a bigger chest tube (can we say PAIN!!! bigger may mean better but it also means more pain) they were planning on taking me somewhere when within ten mins. I was calling them again telling them I couldn't breath, then they set stuff up in my room and in twenty mins. the tube was in and they were taping up!

It is more painful but a lot better than not breathing! They want to do a cat scan but I can't lay flat so we'll see what they do, also I don't know when they will 'glue' my lung now, the less air that is in there the more effective it will be.

So I am still in ICU but feeling good enough to blog! Well that's all for now it's nap time!

Pneumotherax #2

That's right, I couldn't catch my breath on friday, called MH at school and had him come home and within 15mins. we were on our way to the ER!!!!!!! Once again I had air in my lungs making it really hard to breathe! Oh it is not fun! So transferred me to MICU and put in a chest tube (at that point you replace not being able to breath because of pressure to not being able to breathe because of pain!!) it's funny because you can totallay feel the 'air' escaping! the pressure just releases and I can breath again! Then the numbing medicine wears off and it feels like I have a sword in my side! a day or so later it just feels like a butter knife now.

I thought I might get out on Sunday, then maybe Monday, I'm now maybe hoping thursday! They are going to put 'glue' in there to 'glue' the lining of my lungs to the lining of the chest wall, well I had some air in so they waited another day and then today right before they got an x-ray and guess what? I have more air in my lungs! Also the chest tube has come out a little and for sanitary reasons etc. they can't just push it back in so I get a new one! Yipee for me! Then after waiting all day right before they do it he asks me if I have had anything to eat! Now I have to wait until tomorrow morning! Then they have to wait and make sure all the air is out of my lungs and then they can do the 'gluing', so I think I will still be here a couple days.

But I was able to get a computer again and it's so nice! I wish I had gotten one over the weekend because it made for a long weekend. Oh well I have one now. So I don't plan on getting out until at least thursday if not later.

My little sweethearts came to visit me today, they are so wonderful, although I think I need my sheets changed before I go to bed! It was worth it, I miss them. They missed me too it was nice to see how much they love and miss me.

More to come, now I can catch up on some blogs!!!!! wish I could do pictures!

CF Story...My story...

Since watching this I have decided to write 'My Story' of growing up and living with Cystic Fibrosis, it's not much different than this girls, and please remember that a lung transplant isn't the right choice for every CF person, also even when you receive a lung transplant you still have Cystic Fibrosis your lungs are just normal lungs, but CF affects everything in your body so you will still always be dealing with those issues, plus the new ones brought on by lung transplant (all the immune suppressant and rejection etc.) sorry I just know that if you don't know too much about it that a lung transplant seems like the miracle cure all and it's not. Enjoy the movie:) Eat some popcorn popped from your cell phone from my earlier post! HaHaHa!!!!

Cell Phone Too Strong????

WOW!!!!!! There are a couple of these on You Tube, this is amazing!!!! Maybe there is something to how strong our cell phone is, I mean if it can pop popcorn!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V94shlqPlSI

Reading....

I was doing so good with posting, it's okay, it's only been three days... I have actually been reading and listening to books on CD lately, I use my Mom's library card to reserve books online because her library system is so much better than mine and so she brought me down like 15 books or talks on CD and 5 books! I plan on doing reviews but just thought I would mention the one I am reading and loving right now:

This is the best book! I love the way it was written and Sister Hinckley is such an amazing woman of faith and a great example of what type of woman we should be, reading it has made me want to be so much better, two things that get pointed out a lot are her faith and how she always lifts people up when they are in her presence. Those are two ways I strive to live my life every day too, and since I fall so short I will be saving quotes from the book to uplift me and keep me going and trying again and again.

This is a MUST READ!!!!

Puggle Trouble 2....

The title of the book describes Texas right now!!!! (I'll review the book in a different post)
She's at it again! Texas has been a little naughty lately, please refer back to this time, this time, and this time for previous Puggle trouble.
WHO ME?
LOOK HOW FAR DOWN THE BITES GO!
WHERE'S THE REST OF IT? THIS IS ALL I FOUND!
THE BOTTOM IS ALSO CHEWED, NO SURPRISE THERE!
THESE PAPERS WERE LAYING FLAT ON THE BOX, HOW DID SHE DO THAT?
I COULDN'T BELIEVE THIS ONE, LOOK AT THE LID! SHE TOTALLY SEPARATED THEM! AND YES THERE WERE TWO PILLS INSIDE, LUCKILY SHE DOESN'T LIKE THEM! I FOUND THEM IN PERFECT CONDITION!
SHE LOVES TO BITE THE BED SKIRT WHEN PLAYING WITH CHUGS...
ALSO ANY BLANKET (OR PILLOW) THAT IS AROUND..

BUT HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS ADORABLE GIRL? These are when she was a little girl.

Word of the Year....

I changed my word of the month to word of the year because I found a word that is perfect for my goal this year, I will still be researching and reading different subjects like Testimony, Faith, Prayer, etc... because they all have to do with my word of the year.... Discipleship!

First is a talk from Neal A. Maxwell perfectly titled 'Becoming a Disciple' found in Ensign, June 1996. Some excerpts that I found meaningful:

"There is no greater calling, no greater challenge, and no greater source of joy-both proximate joy and ultimate joy-than that which is found in the process of discipleship."

"Thus, while knowledge is clearly very important, standing alone it cannot save us. I worry sometimes that we get so busy discussing the doctrines in various Church classes that talking about them almost becomes a substitute for applying them. One cannot improve upon the sobering words of King Benjamin, who said, "Now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them" (Mosiah 4:10). Such is still the test. Deeds, not words-and becoming, not describing-are dominant in true discipleship."

"So it is that discipleship requires all of us to translate doctrines, covenants, ordinances, and teachings, into improved personal behavior. Otherwise we may be doctrinally rich but end up developmentally poor."

"In the journey of discipleship, we lose our old selves."

"For us, becoming like His Son, or "even as [Jesus is]," certainly is work ! (3 Ne. 27:27). Of necessity, this process requires the cross of discipleship to be taken up daily-not occasionally or seasonally."

"So it is that discipleship, far from being ascetic, is to choose joy over pleasure. It is to opt for the things of eternity over the trendy and appealing things of the moment. Eventually, we become readied for the final moment of consecration, when, gladly and completely, we let our wills be swallowed up in the will of the Father."

That is only half of the talk! Part 2 to come....(don't want it to be too long and lose any readers!)

My day today....

Just a little update on me today, I was still having a hard time breathing this morning and by this afternoon it felt a little worse and so we decided to go to the DR. we knew we needed an x-ray to see if there was any air in my lungs.

Can I just insert here and say how wonderful my Dr. is? nobody was answering their phones I called a couple different people and places and couldn't get a hold of anyone (the were all in a retirement party for someone) so I called her pager and she called me back right away (probably because she didn't know who it was!hehe!no she still would have, why do you think I have her number?) and told me to come and she would have the paperwork all ready to go to x-ray, I didn't have to wait at all (I remember as a kid we always had to wait forever for x-rays), then I was thinking we didn't talk about where to meet or talk after the x-ray but the receptionist told me that she already talked to him and told him to take me back to a room, we actually ended up talking for an hour or more and she did a couple extra stuff for us, she is so wonderful! I feel like she really listens and cares about me and my health.

So the x-ray showed no air but I do have some fluid in the left one so that could be causing some of the pain, as for the really tightness and trouble breathing it's probably from acid reflux that stuff is nasty! So hopefully I will be feeling better in a day or two. I did have a little hemoptysis last night so I started back on IV antibiotics, I was off for five whole days!!!!! Time to hitch that fanny pack right up onto my fanny, I was feeling like I was missing something lately! (because for the past 22 weeks I have been off a total of 12 days!).

At least there is no air! No chest tube, No hospital visit. The dogs sometimes sit (or stand?) in the weirdest positions....

Priesthood Blessing...

Today started out rough, no sleep whatsoever, I hate laying there all night awake but not enough to get up and go watch a movie (although I did turn on my iPod and listen to music) I turn over every hour and looked at the clock, man night can go by so slow! (maybe I need to include that in my previous post!!) I did fall asleep shortly after 6am but just startled myself awake because I thought the alarm didn't go off and MH would miss school, I turned over to look at the clock, it was only 6:30 I had an hour before the alarm went off!!!!

When the alarm did go off I could have stayed in bed but I felt so bad that I knew I had best just get up do my therapy eat breakfast and go back to bed and hopefully I would fall asleep since I had been up for a little bit, I rested (notice I didn't say sleep) for two hours I did feel better but I wish I would fall asleep, took a shower and that totally drained me, then as the afternoon progressed I just had a hard time breathing, I tried to take a nap, again I kinda rested but my face was sweating even though I had the fan on. Finally my husband comes home from school and that always helps me, he could tell I was having a hard time breathing, we were talking about if we think it is pneumothorax and if we need to go to the ER for an x-ray to see.

I was having a hard time eating dinner, I just didn't feel like I could breathe while chewing! So we decided we should go in, I asked for a Priesthood blessing and our good friend and neighbor came over to assist MH, it was so wonderful (like any of the aren't?) in the middle he said '...that your symptoms will be gone and you will have a feeling of comfort and peace..." and immediately I felt my lungs open up a little and I could breathe a little better, my heart also slowed down (it had been beating fast for a couple hours) and a feeling of comfort and peace came over me, no this isn't a 'I was healed' story but a miracle in my life nonetheless, my lungs still hurt and it's still hard to breath like it's been for the past couple days, but not worse than it's been, so we will wait and see if I get worse then we will go in but after the blessing you could just tell I was different, a lot more peaceful and calm and breathing just a little bit better.

I wish I could share everything that was said in the blessing but that is in my personal journal, but it's amazing how the Lord knows you personally and what's in your heart and what your mission in life is. I have been praying to know what I am suppose to be doing to fulfill my mission on this earth because I have been told in other blessings that I will not leave this earth until I have fulfilled my mission so there is still something for me to do, I got an answer to my personal prayer a couple weeks ago and it was confirmed tonight in the blessing, at least I know a little something of my individual mission.

I just wanted to share this along with my testimony, I know just as Joseph B. Wirthlin knows that:

"God’s love is complete and without limit for you and for all mankind. He is perfectly just and merciful. He is perfectly kind and understands your circumstances and condition. He knows you better than you know yourself.

Because your Heavenly Father is perfect, you can have complete faith in Him. You can trust Him."
Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Growing into the Priesthood,” Ensign, Nov 1999, 38

I too know that God's love is complete and without limit for me and for you, I too know that He is perfectly just and merciful, He is perfectly kind, I too know that He understands our circumstances and condition, He knows what we are going through! Elder Maxwell has told us that in addition to "coping successfully with those of life's challenges....there are also our customized trials"* And they are customized because He knows us better than we know ourselves, He knows how to help us develop our character to be like the Savior. I too know that because our Heavenly Father is perfect we can have complete faith in Him, we can trust Him, He's perfect!!! He will not give us anything we can't handle or learn from! It's all for us, so we need to place complete faith and trust in Him as we journey and endure this life.

*Neal A. Maxwell, "Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ," Ensign, Nov. 1997, 22

Favorite things swap!!!

I did this swap last year and it was really fun, if you like swaps head on over to Kelly's blog and sign up! Hurry you only have until June 6th!!!!

it's really quite simple: as a participant, you will be asked to choose at least three objects (i don't think anyone would mind if you decide to send more) that are some of YOUR favorite things to send to your partner... maybe it's an apron you made, your new favorite book, or that favorite flavor of lip gloss. be creative & most importantly have fun with it! objects can be new or vintage, bought or handmade... just remember, it is best to send something the you'd be pleased & excited to receive yourself.

TIME...

Today was a good day (well my lung still hurts but I figured if I don't sit up straight it doesn't hurt as much so sitting hunched at the computer is great!) and I can't believe how much I have gotten done! And it's only 4pm!!!! I still have tons of the day left!!!! I haven't done big things, can't do those, but I have called people back (which I am so bad at) emailed, organized loose papers etc., I even took a nap! Just a day like today really makes you think about time, we all have the same amount and whether we use it or not it goes by fast. Although I do know that if you watch mindless TV the time goes by super fast, that is how you get through the day when you really really don't feel good!
I loved making brownies.

What an interesting thing time is, of course we all want and may need more of it in a day and we always wonder 'where did it go?' at the end of the day. I have been amazed this past year how fast time has gone for me, before I got really sick I was a regular wife/employee/patient, I worked part-time as well as did hair at home, I took care of everything in the house (laundry, cleaning, bills, errands, etc.) I loved to cook, although I am more of a 30-min. meal, not a lot of ingredients kinda gal, at one point I made my own whole wheat bread every week, I would juice fruits and veggies, and I even made homemade wheatgrass juice (you have to buy a special juicer for that) I was trying to learn to sew better I had so many projects started, I loved to vacuum I would do it twice a week, I was a wonderful wife (still am), one of the things I do to take care of my health is therapy three times a day (it takes 30mins each time), I was a primary teacher and the Activity Days leader for 11yr. olds, loved to read and was part of a bookclub, we only had Chugs then but we took her for a walk every single night (and we lived in a hilly area so it was good exercise) plus I somehow managed to watch some tv shows!. I had the same amount of time and yet I accomplished so much in a day! I was always doing something, go, go, go...I even did stuff while I watched TV (then I didn't feel as guilty) I did so many cross-stitched items. Now I will go days without doing or accomplishing anything and the days still go by fast! I thought that I would be so bored that the days would drag on and on, it's just the opposite! Time is flyin' by! Days come and go, don't get me wrong I am so glad that they don't drag on but at the same time I can't believe that I didn't accomplish anything! or that I paid one bill and that was my accomplishment for the day.
Cross-stitching a book marker while watching TV and snuggling the dog.
A cross-stitch I did for a Halloween Swap.

I don't like wasting time and yet I can't do anything about it when I have bad days, and even though my husband tells me its okay because I don't feel good, I still feel like I have wasted time and life actually, I want to be enriching my life and still learning or still using my talents etc..not wasting away my life by filling it with mindless TV or to be honest blog surfing (reading friends blogs and some new friends is fine, it's when you are just sitting there hour after hour clicking on this name and that one until you have no idea how you got to this persons...although you might end up finding a new friend, I have done that several times.)
Baby booties I crocheted for a friends baby.

I don't know if I can ever by 'okay' with the days that I don't accomplish or enrich my life. I have gotten much better (we don't have cable anymore, kinda forces you to turn the TV off) I read a lot more (as in listen to books on CD or read past issues of the Ensign online, once in awhile it's a real book) but when I don't feel good it makes me tired!!!! then I end up taking a nap, blah, blah, blah, the day is wasted. Sometimes I think I want to take an online course but I don't know if I would have enough good days to do it, I should they give you a year! And I want to cross-stitch more (I started one for my nephew shortly after I found out my sister was pregnant and now he is here! I use to do small cross-stitches in a week!) but I just don't have energy too, which to me is sad! I'm just sitting there and I can't even cross-stitch!!! I guess it just takes a lot of energy for me to breath! Speaking of lots of energy to breath it also takes a lot of calories to breath, and you would think that since I'm home all day and loafing around that I could eat a lot and hopefully gain weight, not me! like I said time goes by fast and I feel like I'm eating all the time even if it's just a snack in between lunch and dinner, I think it's because I don't do much inbetween so it feels like I just ate or that that's all I do is eat! I also have to drink high calorie shakes because I need around 2500 calories right now to just maintain my weight, and I need to gain 20lbs! So this has gotten off subject. Do I erase it? Keep it? Copy it into a new post? I'm too proud of being able to write all this to erase it so you get to keep it.

So here's to time and may we all use it wisely and accomplish good things!
Speaking of time, it took me an hour and a half to do this post!?!

Self-Portraits....

I got a few good pictures of me and the dogs...

I think Chugs is doing the tongue roll in this picture, pretty good job, if I had known I would have done one too!
Texas smiling because she just came in from running around outside, she loves being outside and running around!
Not the best picture of Texas but I look better because I'm not so close to the camera!

Little Begger....

She is such a little begger!

Finally a post!

I have been wanting to post so bad and have so much to post on but I really wanted to see if anyone wanted to keep reading when I changed my address. I did it because I was afraid my in-laws might have found my blog, not only does it contain stuff about them and feelings that are not so nice but we currently don't have a good relationship with them (not talking, etc...) and I don't want them to know what is going on. I posted that story right?

Well let's start with a few things, but I just have to post cute dog pictures along the way because they are so cute! and well, my life! Last week was a good week health wise I haven't felt that good since before my last hospital visit! you forget how it feels to actually feel good! Now I'm not saying great just good but man oh man is it such an improvement! I had energy I wasn't tired all day long I wasn't in pain, it's hard to explain how my health is, now I still couldn't do much because I still have 10% lung capacity but at least I didn't feel crummy while doing nothing!

I need to look back and see how long it's been since I've posted, did I tell you I have a new nephew? He is so adorable I so wish I could be there with my sister, I want to hold him so bad! And the really sad thing is that I know I will not ever (unless a HUGE miracle happens) be able to go down a visit again! I'm so glad he is a good baby since I can't go down and help out, I was able to when my other nephew was born almost three years ago and it was so awesome so spend time with my niece (she will be 7 soon) and newborn nephew and help my sister out. But I just love little babies and want to hold him so bad!

So it's a good thing I've had good health, Monday night my husband sprained his ankle playing basketball!!!! So I'll tell you the story, he called me to tell me and I was mad, because you know I can't take care of him, I can't even take care of me! He takes care of me, him, the house, the dogs, everything! But by the time he got home (we are two blocks from the gym) I was so worried about him and I hate to see him in pain or suffering, funny how I have tons of health problems but even when he just has a little cold I can't take it! I can't stand to see him with a health problem, I'm so glad it's me with them and not him I can handle that more.

I have only seen one sprained ankle and that was my sister when we were young and I don't remember what it looked like just that she laid on the bed and propped her foot up with ice! so when I saw this and my husband said he thought it might be dislocated that is totally what you think when you see it I mean it wasn't swollen anywhere but right there and it looks like something is pushing out, so I made him go to the ER and my prayer was answered and it was only sprained! And also the next day he was walking on it!!! So he has had a nice swollen ankle all week (and still).


Here are my adorable, cute, awesome, sweet dogs, they love to snuggle me while I rest on the sofa.


Guess that's it for now I will be better at posting, I just love reading blogs though, I am glad that I have found that I have more readers, nice to know someone is reading, and I really hope I can somehow do good, lift someone's spirits or by sharing my life they can learn more about Cystic Fibrosis, but also that they will know that they can trust in their Heavenly Father and His plan for His children and that He is always here for us and helps us along the way.

Still want to read?

I am going to be changing my blog address if you would like to continue reading my blog (which I highly recommend) please let me know you are still interested and I'll let you know the new address.

*This is because of a personal contact not anyone in blog world.

I know I know you are sick of hearing that I have the cutest dogs in the whole entire world but truth is repeated over and over and over. Also got some of them snuggling me on the sofa while listening to some talks on the iPod.

Forgot the Link....

Here is the link for the card I made my mom, sorry I forgot the link in the original post...

What is with me?

What is with me these days? I totally don't feel like me, MH and I talked about it the other day and I know and he knows we have both seen it that my personality has changed over the past year, I don't laugh and joke as much as I use to, I had some quick wit about me I tell you, I also don't laugh or for that matter really cry! Mostly because I can't! I don't have the lung capacity to do it! I know it sounds weird but I can't cry because I can't breathe if I do! As for me I know I'm not as happy, optimistic, positive, go-go girl as I use to be, again because I can't, but it still is weird to see and recognize the change.

Also what else I've noticed and maybe I am experiencing some depression I don't know, but I have some really downer days and if I have a couple in a row I get worse and really think that this is the way it will be or that I am definately going to die within a week, take the last few days for example, I have had no energy, zero, zilch, I've had a hard time breathing, it's been very hard for me, I guess I forget that I might get better, I think I'm losing that hope that I can or might get a little better, or at least have better days, I need to hope and look forward to better days, but I just get in such a slump and I don't know how to describe it, but today was a better day and I feel so different! I took a shower, I'm not as tired, it makes my attitude better, what a difference! I can have a good day, I need to remember that.

I don't really know the purpose of this post or that it even makes sense, I can't make sense of these thoughts and feelings so I thought I would try and type them up but I don't think it's helping. I have a strong testimony and maybe that is just being tested right now, but I also can't deny the fact that my health is very poor and I can't do pretty much everything I was able to do! Seriously, I just want to finish a cross-stitch for my newly born nephew (yesterday, congrats sister!) and I love to cross-stitch (those who read my blog at the beginning know) but I can't seem to have the energy to do even that!!!!! It makes me so sad. I can't take the dogs outside anymore that is too much work, I basically go to the bathroom and back!

Also for any friends that read this that live close to me I am also asking for help, I thought I would never ever do this in my life but I need help, we are getting a few dinners a week from our ward but only a couple times a week, if it is left up to MH to come up with dinners the rest of the time we all know how that is, it puts more stress on me because I have to think of the dinner, make a grocery list, and probably tell him how to cook it, he is good at the bbq but not in the kitchen, so if anyone would be willing to bring us a dinner every now and then we would greatly appreciate it, and even if you just put some extra away in your freezer and then bring that we totally love reheating stuff.

Thanks so much, from a very humbled RoRo, email me if you can help me, roroshere{at}gmail{dot}com.

Happy Mother's Day...

I just have to post this because I am super proud of myself! I have seen these and have wanted to make one for sometime now, I finally did, and it couldn't be for a more deserving person, I made my mom a hand stitched card, hope she likes it!



And since it's mother's day here is a picture of me with my girls....