What is with me these days? I totally don't feel like me, MH and I talked about it the other day and I know and he knows we have both seen it that my personality has changed over the past year, I don't laugh and joke as much as I use to, I had some quick wit about me I tell you, I also don't laugh or for that matter really cry! Mostly because I can't! I don't have the lung capacity to do it! I know it sounds weird but I can't cry because I can't breathe if I do! As for me I know I'm not as happy, optimistic, positive, go-go girl as I use to be, again because I can't, but it still is weird to see and recognize the change.
Also what else I've noticed and maybe I am experiencing some depression I don't know, but I have some really downer days and if I have a couple in a row I get worse and really think that this is the way it will be or that I am definately going to die within a week, take the last few days for example, I have had no energy, zero, zilch, I've had a hard time breathing, it's been very hard for me, I guess I forget that I might get better, I think I'm losing that hope that I can or might get a little better, or at least have better days, I need to hope and look forward to better days, but I just get in such a slump and I don't know how to describe it, but today was a better day and I feel so different! I took a shower, I'm not as tired, it makes my attitude better, what a difference! I can have a good day, I need to remember that.
I don't really know the purpose of this post or that it even makes sense, I can't make sense of these thoughts and feelings so I thought I would try and type them up but I don't think it's helping. I have a strong testimony and maybe that is just being tested right now, but I also can't deny the fact that my health is very poor and I can't do pretty much everything I was able to do! Seriously, I just want to finish a cross-stitch for my newly born nephew (yesterday, congrats sister!) and I love to cross-stitch (those who read my blog at the beginning know) but I can't seem to have the energy to do even that!!!!! It makes me so sad. I can't take the dogs outside anymore that is too much work, I basically go to the bathroom and back!
Also for any friends that read this that live close to me I am also asking for help, I thought I would never ever do this in my life but I need help, we are getting a few dinners a week from our ward but only a couple times a week, if it is left up to MH to come up with dinners the rest of the time we all know how that is, it puts more stress on me because I have to think of the dinner, make a grocery list, and probably tell him how to cook it, he is good at the bbq but not in the kitchen, so if anyone would be willing to bring us a dinner every now and then we would greatly appreciate it, and even if you just put some extra away in your freezer and then bring that we totally love reheating stuff.
Thanks so much, from a very humbled RoRo, email me if you can help me, roroshere{at}gmail{dot}com.
2 comments:
I am so sorry Ro, my heart and prayers go out for you. I truly wish I lived closer so that maybe I could help in some way. I often think of the saying the spirit is strong but the flesh is weak. Your spirit is amazingly strong and I am sure that at times you may feel as if though it is broken, I know I have. You are amazing and please remember that. I love you!
I was trying to find your blog the other day and realized you switched your address. I took me a few days and a few guessed, but I finally tracked you down :).
I actually totally get this feeling and it has nothing to do with your testimony. It has to do with your body and your threshold. Not like my lung capacity has ever been like yours, but I can get it on some small level. And not that I cried much before, but now I refuse. I hate that feeling of not being able to breath. Sometimes I get frustrated that our bodies were designed to be so dependent on air and how scary that is.
When and if I can run I'll think of you.
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