Finally a post!

I have been struggling to post because I want to be honest and yet if I do I fear that I will drive my readers (if I have any) away, I don't want to be depressing, I really am not, but I feel like that is how I will be portrayed if I write down what I am thinking. But I really want to post so maybe if I lump it all in one it won't be so bad.

The past couple of weeks I've notice a decline in my health, I was so excited that my sister and her family were coming up and thought that maybe that would help me to have something exciting to look forward too (and I was) and that my health would some how be good, but the closer it came I would notice week by week that I was sliding a little bit and then I would be a little sad because I realized that I wouldn't be able to do as much and even wondered if I would be able to enjoy them while they were here, I was able to enjoy them, it was so wonderful getting to know my nephew (who is 2) so full of life and energy, and my niece (who is 6) we made word searches and played tic-tac-toe alot. But I also could see my health decline a little while they were here, take Thanksgiving for instance, they left my house early to visit Temple Square and then hang out at my parents house until dinner, I sat around all morning and then barely got a shower in before leaving, I only stayed at my parents house for 3 hours!!!!that's it! and I had to leave because I just couldn't breathe well! On the way home I got so tired that when I did get home I went straight to bed for two hours! I finally got up and was able to spend the last couple hours with my sister and family because they flew out the next morning! Also Thanksgiving night I had a little episode of hemoptysis again, not again! why? oh why?! I had just barely finished a 6 week course of IV's tuesday night so I hooked back up that night, was barely off for 48 hours! So then Friday and Saturday were really bad days, didn't feel good what so ever, Sunday I at least went to Sacrament meeting, first time out all weekend. Monday I felt a little better and today the same.

I have another problem, there is a vein in my neck on the right side (right jugular vein) and it is so big! it really worries me, it really only started sticking out in the past three weeks and it would for two days and then go away, came for a couple days and then started going away, well it came back friday really big and hasn't gone away! If it happens on the left side as well it is heart failure! I've called the dr. mine of course is out of town this week, the other one has no idea and says if I get worse or worried about it too much just to go to the ER to have it checked out. I did go to the dr. the tuesday before thanksgiving and they didn't have any good answers for me, I love that! makes me wonder why I go to the dr. really. unless it's life threatening they really can't do anything for me! So I have that to deal with, it does hurt a little and is uncomfortable, now today a part on my other side is starting to hurt, aaahhh!!!!!

My husband and I have talked about death a lot, when we talk about it I sometimes get freaked out like we are talking about it because it means it will happen soon but I know that's not true because we talked like that a year ago! But I wanted to mention it because I feel a lot more comfortable with it right now, before I didn't feel ready, I still don't, but more ready than before, I have been working on my personal self to become a better disciple and that has really helped, I know that the timing of death is up to the Lord but if you could see how I am or be in this body like I am you see that it won't hold up much longer, I am not scared, I have no idea what the after life is like but I'm not worried about it, that will be fine, I'm just sad to leave my husband (and doggies, and family) I just feel so bad that my husband will have to carry on without me, but I think we have been given this extra time together so that both of us can work on being better disciples and more receptive to the spirit so that when the time does happen it is a spiritual experience for both of us.

I have been wanting to blog about all the wonderful stuff that I have been reading and gaining from but then I just am tired and don't feel like typing so I just read blogs instead, but wow can I just say I love this past conference! my Ensign is getting so marked up! And I bought a 'Preach my Gospel' since it has been talked about so much and I've never had one, that is really good too. And of course the book I'm reading by Henry B. Eyre, I have a little notebook with it that I write quotes in that I like. I still want to try and post them for you because they are just great and I am so uplifted when others share their spiritual thoughts from church and such.

Alright, thanks for listening, I hope it wasn't too bad, I am so grateful for my blog friends, especially the ones that ask where I am if I haven't posted in awhile, thanks so much:)

Also I had so much fun with my sister, we have so many photos! I really need to make a slideshow she has the cutest kids! did I mention that while she was here she needed to go to the ER and there found out that they are having another boy!!!!! and for the first time I actually understood the ultrasound pictures, they turned out really well! It was great to be with my family but kinda sad knowing in the back of my head that it was probably the last time I would see them and thinking, wow I won't even get to know my new little nephew, well that's what heaven's for huh?

I love the christmas season, I love reading the blogs and seeing everyone's decorations, happy holidays! Sorry no pics this post, first don't know what pics to put with it and then too many to choose from for my niece and nephew! Next time!