What now?

Kind of hard to follow up a post like that! But I wanted to add that I am thankful for my trials and the specific trials I have, I'm sure I wouldn't make it through what others have to go through, I have learned SOOOO much through each trial. As I mentioned in my previous post my thoughts lately (since the hospital) have been about pain and suffering and how the prophets and apostles of the Lord deal with it, how do they get through it? Do they read scriptures all the time? what about the times they can't or don't feel like it (guess they propably always feel like it) sing hymns (I know this really helps me a lot I have them all on my iPod and have been working on memorizing more for when I don't have my iPod!) I'm sure they pray (did that too). But it's very humbling to think that the same help they receive I can receive too! I just know they are tuned in a little better than I am:)

I don't know how to explain myself and my situation to people, I know that our ward doesn't 'get it', half our ward is starving college students I think they are thinking we are just one of them crying and complaining about how we aren't going to make it blah blah.. that is not why we need some (note I didn't say every day of the week) meals brought in, and maybe someone to do some light cleaning (a good VT maybe?) and maybe someone to check in on me the days MH goes to school? We are only asking for these things because we really really need help! I mean come on ladies, tell me I'm not the only one that it would be hard to admit that I can't cook or clean anymore, not just that I need help but I can't do it anymore! I keep trying and mentally I think, I can do it! but I seriously can't! and cleaning, that is a joke I get out of breath so easily, who am I kidding? Although I do love laundry and if I take my time and a few breaks I can fold clothes on the sofa. For me I start to cry each time I tell someone that I can't cook or clean anymore, I love doing it, I would love to be able to take care of my home and husband again! and yes, my husband can do more and he has and does do a ton but he isn't one of those guys that can cook or clean, he can bbq, but come on bbq every night? We aren't asking for meals all week just some so that I don't have to worry about dinner, I know MH will cook it but it will still put stress on me to come up with something to cook and then to tell him how to cook it! And the dishes, don't get me started, he's a sweetheart but let's just say the kitchen floor gets mopped each time he does the dishes! Don't get me wrong, MH is doing everything around here, but along with taking care of me, helping me with anything I do, getting me anything I need, that's a lot to do! And he never complains, he tells me he enjoys doing things for me, how sweet!

As for everyday stuff, my health varies so much, sometimes I feel alright, I can breathe, sometimes I can't believe how hard it is to breathe! I don't have energy, my body wants to go walk around the block but my lungs don't even want to go to the bathroom and back! I try not to live in fear because you can't have faith and fear, so I try to live by faith, but I still can't totally forget that I know my hemoptysis will come back, some time, out of the blue, anytime. Especially when I don't feel good, I wonder how long I can keep breathing like this, it's hard, will my body give out before my spirit? I think it's mostly my spirit keeping my body going actually. I know it's not much longer I just want time enough to leave something worth while of me behind.

So I was going to make my WOTM (word of the month) pain/suffering but then I read this really really great talk and think I might do that.... stay tuned....