Kind of hard to follow up a post like that! But I wanted to add that I am thankful for my trials and the specific trials I have, I'm sure I wouldn't make it through what others have to go through, I have learned SOOOO much through each trial. As I mentioned in my previous post my thoughts lately (since the hospital) have been about pain and suffering and how the prophets and apostles of the Lord deal with it, how do they get through it? Do they read scriptures all the time? what about the times they can't or don't feel like it (guess they propably always feel like it) sing hymns (I know this really helps me a lot I have them all on my iPod and have been working on memorizing more for when I don't have my iPod!) I'm sure they pray (did that too). But it's very humbling to think that the same help they receive I can receive too! I just know they are tuned in a little better than I am:)
I don't know how to explain myself and my situation to people, I know that our ward doesn't 'get it', half our ward is starving college students I think they are thinking we are just one of them crying and complaining about how we aren't going to make it blah blah.. that is not why we need some (note I didn't say every day of the week) meals brought in, and maybe someone to do some light cleaning (a good VT maybe?) and maybe someone to check in on me the days MH goes to school? We are only asking for these things because we really really need help! I mean come on ladies, tell me I'm not the only one that it would be hard to admit that I can't cook or clean anymore, not just that I need help but I can't do it anymore! I keep trying and mentally I think, I can do it! but I seriously can't! and cleaning, that is a joke I get out of breath so easily, who am I kidding? Although I do love laundry and if I take my time and a few breaks I can fold clothes on the sofa. For me I start to cry each time I tell someone that I can't cook or clean anymore, I love doing it, I would love to be able to take care of my home and husband again! and yes, my husband can do more and he has and does do a ton but he isn't one of those guys that can cook or clean, he can bbq, but come on bbq every night? We aren't asking for meals all week just some so that I don't have to worry about dinner, I know MH will cook it but it will still put stress on me to come up with something to cook and then to tell him how to cook it! And the dishes, don't get me started, he's a sweetheart but let's just say the kitchen floor gets mopped each time he does the dishes! Don't get me wrong, MH is doing everything around here, but along with taking care of me, helping me with anything I do, getting me anything I need, that's a lot to do! And he never complains, he tells me he enjoys doing things for me, how sweet!
As for everyday stuff, my health varies so much, sometimes I feel alright, I can breathe, sometimes I can't believe how hard it is to breathe! I don't have energy, my body wants to go walk around the block but my lungs don't even want to go to the bathroom and back! I try not to live in fear because you can't have faith and fear, so I try to live by faith, but I still can't totally forget that I know my hemoptysis will come back, some time, out of the blue, anytime. Especially when I don't feel good, I wonder how long I can keep breathing like this, it's hard, will my body give out before my spirit? I think it's mostly my spirit keeping my body going actually. I know it's not much longer I just want time enough to leave something worth while of me behind.
So I was going to make my WOTM (word of the month) pain/suffering but then I read this really really great talk and think I might do that.... stay tuned....
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Caution: Graphic....
CAUTION: CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS AND PHOTOS (WELL JUST UGLY PHOTOS)...
It's nothing bad, I am just going to tell you exactly what happens when I go to the hospital and if it's something you can't take don't read any further, I have also added a picture of me in ICU when I look my worst so I consider it bad!
It was a beautiful Saturday morning did all the usual things (which isn't much) thinking about how nice my health has been and that I haven't been in the hospital yet this year it had actually been over 5 months since I was last in the hospital, a record of late, and I honestly started thinking maybe just maybe I was getting a little better, maybe I was actually going to get a little better! I knew I would never get back to where I was but I always hoped that maybe I would get a little better.
I took the dogs outside like usual, hooked them up to the leash in the yard so we all could enjoy the sun, sat down with my Sudoku book and thought, 'forgot the phone' should go get it, maybe in a min. then, out of no where (like always) I get this feeling, and only those who have experienced it know what I'm talking about, I thought, 'NO, this can't happen' I walked inside to get the cell phone and wait in the bathroom for what I knew was going to happen, I grabbed my phone, when I have a hard time breathing I usually have to go to the bathroom, weird connection I don't know why it happens so I sat down and started going (#1 and #2, sorry graphic I know) then, I coughed (again only those who have experienced it know) my mouth filled with blood, I stopped wiped quickly and then started coughing up blood in the sink, I called MH and told him to come home now, he already knows the drill, he knows I'm serious he knows what's going on I don't need to say more.
I don't know if it was because it had been so long since I had Hemoptysis (coughing up blood) or what but this time I felt different, more panicky, I also still had to go to the bathroom, I couldn't hold it in but I was still coughing up blood so I couldn't sit on the toilet, I actually started going in my pants!!!! it was the weirdest thing! I just knew I was in more serious trouble then I thought if I couldn't hold that etc.. so I called MH back and told him I was thinking of calling 911 (we have never done that in all the times this has happened) I asked him what I should do, I also just wanted someone there in case I don't know I collasped or something! I called the people upstairs but the line was busy (my husband was calling them at that moment) he thought I told him to call 911 so he called them because he didn't know our new address yet, they also came down and then my husband came home in record time and then just a min later the paramedics and fire people show up, by the time MH got home I had stopped coughing up blood I was just standing there making sure it had stopped etc... since the paramedics came shortly after I didn't have time to tell my husband what happened especially the 'accident' part.
The paramedics wanted me to sit in a chair, I thought about it for a min. I didn't want to sit down but I also didn't want to change right then and I also didn't want to stand anymore, if I didn't sit I knew they wouldn't leave me alone, I sat down! Have to tell them the history, they didn't know what Cystic Fibrosis was (don't blame them it's not common) blah blah, asked if I wanted to go in the ambulance to the hospital down the street I told them I have to go to the hospital an hour away because that is where the CF clinic is etc... they know more about my condition, health have dealt with me a lot etc... they advised to go in the ambulance since it was a long drive but it was up to us, I sort of didn't want to because I wanted to grab things but I also knew this wasn't like all the other times, I said okay (also because I've never had an ambulance ride so why not? even in these last days I'm still experiencing new things). I told my husband I just couldn't go to the hospital with pants like mine no way so we went in the bedroom and changed, oh my, all I can say is my husband is one amazing man, I am so so blessed to have him.
MH wanted to take a picture of me on the stretcher I said no, I don't want a picture of that, although I do kinda regret it. I did want to take a picture of inside the ambulance but I didn't have the camera or my phone on me. The ride up was boring, the siren is annoying, they really don't go that fast, they took the wrong road, you get a little car sick from looking out the back! Got there safe and sound so I'm glad.
Same old routine in the ER, long and you have to tell your story over and over and over, I have a letter from my Dr.'s that tells them to just take me to the ICU and that I will probably need to be intubated and embolized blah, blah... that's what happened, I don't want you to think I take it lightly, we know that with each hospital visit and especially intubation my chances of recovering get slimmer and slimmer, especially with this intubation I was a little nervous wondering if it was going to be the last time I saw MH or not. They finally did my favorite part...put me to sleep! they intubated me and embolized me that night, sorry when they embolize me they go in and put coils in my bronchial arteries where they think it is bleeding to clot them off and hopefully stop the bleeding. So now I have been intubated about 6-7 times and embolized 14 or so times.
Had a rough night that night I remember waking up and asking for my iPod so I could listen to music, they couldn't find it (MH had taken it home so it wasn't left there out in the open) so my nurse brought in a radio and turned it to country music (she asked me what kind) I don't know if it did any good but that was sure nice of her. They weaned me off the pain meds that made me sleepy that morning so that I could breathe on my own so they could extubate me, that is the worst part I tell you, so much pain and discomfort, not to mention that you are so so hungry! You have a big tube down your throat and it makes it hard to swallow and breath, they told me they would slowly move the machine down and that I had to breathe on my own for half an hour then they would pull the tube out, since I have done this a lot I knew that once the tube came out I could breathe much better but it still tested me.
That time is such a trying time, the whole time I thought what do the apostles and prophet do, how do they get through their pain and suffering? they have it, they are mortals still, some have experienced severe physical health problems, how did they do it? Even though you know it will get better it still is very hard to get through, and there was definately times that I told MH I didn't know if I was going to be able to get off the machine because it was really hard to breathe! Well like everything else it actually took an hour and a half to finally get the tube out!!!!!!! (makes me so mad, don't make promises in the hospital! that just hurts patients more!) yes it did help to get it out, I was breathing better, but still very painful and uncomfortable, and yes very very hungry.
They let me eat some applesauce/saltines/and jell-o that evening, applesauce never tasted soooooo good!!!! I ate four containers, I don't think they realized how much I was eating because I got some before the nurse shift change and then after plus I had one of the nurses aides get me some, hahaha, I also had two glasses of juice and two jell-o's oh and 6 packs of saltines (you know the ones that have two crackers in them) what a wonderful dinner!
Another bad night (okay there never is a good night in the hospital I will stop saying that). I hate being so tired, but then when you don't feel good it really doesn't make a difference. They moved me out of ICU on Monday that was nice, less wires a little more freedom a much better view. Things were going well and I started talking to the dr.'s about going home on tues. (got to start early I always say) well, that night I coughed up more blood, called MH he came back, not much to do but hope that it was leftover or something, if it happened again they would probably start all over with the intubation and surgery again.
At about 3am I turned over and I think I felt a little pop but I definately felt my lung start to hurt really bad, I couldn't move to the side etc... I told the nurse, I think I even specifically called her to tell her (and ask for pain meds at the same time) but on a scale from 1-10 I gave it a 9, which I never do, even when I'm coughing up blood I am never a 9, so if you know me at all that would have been a red flag, I told the dr. in the morning and the thought occurred to me that I should get an x-ray, didn't mention it to them, as the day wore on it was getting harder to breathe, I was getting pain meds so the pain wasn't as bad, although I still kept it at a 6-7, but it just started getting really hard to breathe, you could totally tell I was panting etc... so finally at 3pm they took an x-ray and then boom things started happening, I had Tension Pneumotherax (a life-threatening crisis) what had happened was a cyst burst and air was pushing my lung which in turn was pushing my heart over so I had air filling between my lung and the lung wall, so they had to put a chest tube in asap, my husband saw the x-ray and he said it was incredible the dr.'s were amazed at how far over my heart was, not good.
I was nervous about a chest tube, I had one after I got my lobectomy last feb. but they put it in after surgery so I wasn't awake! but they did a great job, couldn't have been better, afterwards I did feel a release and could finally breathe deeper but then I had a sharp pain! So I traded in my suffocating pain to a sword in my side pain! I could breathe better but at a big price! they hooked up different pain meds, the one with the button I had to remember to push every ten min. that pain med. was better but I didn't like that I had to remember to push it a lot. Finally started feeling better, eating good, sleeping bad, they couldn't give me any sleeping meds while on these pain meds, and can I just tell you how uncomfortable the beds are! If you have a friend that is going to be in the hospital for awhile please go to wal-mart and buy them an egg crate, they are cheap and make a HUGE difference, also some cheap pillows because the hospital ones are plastic and make you so sweaty (so is the bed that is also why the egg crate is so nice, then you aren't sweating all the time) I finally wised up and asked my parents to get me an egg crate and pillow two nights before I left and it made a HUGE difference, thank you so much to them.
Like my one post said I even got a computer two days before I left, now I know how to get one and next time hopefully will get one sooner (see again, still learning something new). Friday they clamped the chest tube off to see if I would be alright and did x-rays, they took the tube out that afternoon but wanted to keep me overnight just to make sure (even though I really wanted to come home I knew that was the best thing) they always take forever to discharge you and especially on sat. I didn't get out of there until the afternoon, they wanted another x-ray to make sure there wasn't more air etc... I wanted it just as much as them because I don't want to go home and have problems breathing but come on, move it people!!! Also on friday the day it was getting hard to stay I got a card 'or good mail' from a fellow blogger, it lifted my spirits so much, she didn't know I was in the hospital it just happened to come at the right time, thank you so much. Also my sister didn't send my birthday box on my birthday but it happened to be a good thing since we ended up moving and then the day she sent it I went in the hospital but that ended up being good because I got it in the hospital, I have never gotten a package while in the hospital it was so nice!
I don't mind the hospital when I am sick and really need it, when I couldn't breathe I didn't mind being there with a chest tube in, but when I am telling the nurses when to bring my meds what to do etc.. then I feel I need to go home because I take care of myself there anyways, the only thing the hospital is doing for me then is making me lose weight and sleep, none of which I can afford!
It's still been rough at home I lost more lung function and ability to do stuff, have had trouble sleeping, we just recently tried the bi-pap last weekend, that hurt my face soooo bad!!!! I took a two day break to see if it really did help me or not, I will try it again tonight and conclude the verdict.
Everyday is a blessing, I'm grateful so much for my husband and family for their support and love. I love reading blogs and wish I had more blog friends, wish I was a better blog friend! I am trying to post better and more personal on my blog so you can get to know me better, well you can't get much more personal than this post!!!
Here's my ugliness!!!!!
It's nothing bad, I am just going to tell you exactly what happens when I go to the hospital and if it's something you can't take don't read any further, I have also added a picture of me in ICU when I look my worst so I consider it bad!
It was a beautiful Saturday morning did all the usual things (which isn't much) thinking about how nice my health has been and that I haven't been in the hospital yet this year it had actually been over 5 months since I was last in the hospital, a record of late, and I honestly started thinking maybe just maybe I was getting a little better, maybe I was actually going to get a little better! I knew I would never get back to where I was but I always hoped that maybe I would get a little better.
I took the dogs outside like usual, hooked them up to the leash in the yard so we all could enjoy the sun, sat down with my Sudoku book and thought, 'forgot the phone' should go get it, maybe in a min. then, out of no where (like always) I get this feeling, and only those who have experienced it know what I'm talking about, I thought, 'NO, this can't happen' I walked inside to get the cell phone and wait in the bathroom for what I knew was going to happen, I grabbed my phone, when I have a hard time breathing I usually have to go to the bathroom, weird connection I don't know why it happens so I sat down and started going (#1 and #2, sorry graphic I know) then, I coughed (again only those who have experienced it know) my mouth filled with blood, I stopped wiped quickly and then started coughing up blood in the sink, I called MH and told him to come home now, he already knows the drill, he knows I'm serious he knows what's going on I don't need to say more.
I don't know if it was because it had been so long since I had Hemoptysis (coughing up blood) or what but this time I felt different, more panicky, I also still had to go to the bathroom, I couldn't hold it in but I was still coughing up blood so I couldn't sit on the toilet, I actually started going in my pants!!!! it was the weirdest thing! I just knew I was in more serious trouble then I thought if I couldn't hold that etc.. so I called MH back and told him I was thinking of calling 911 (we have never done that in all the times this has happened) I asked him what I should do, I also just wanted someone there in case I don't know I collasped or something! I called the people upstairs but the line was busy (my husband was calling them at that moment) he thought I told him to call 911 so he called them because he didn't know our new address yet, they also came down and then my husband came home in record time and then just a min later the paramedics and fire people show up, by the time MH got home I had stopped coughing up blood I was just standing there making sure it had stopped etc... since the paramedics came shortly after I didn't have time to tell my husband what happened especially the 'accident' part.
The paramedics wanted me to sit in a chair, I thought about it for a min. I didn't want to sit down but I also didn't want to change right then and I also didn't want to stand anymore, if I didn't sit I knew they wouldn't leave me alone, I sat down! Have to tell them the history, they didn't know what Cystic Fibrosis was (don't blame them it's not common) blah blah, asked if I wanted to go in the ambulance to the hospital down the street I told them I have to go to the hospital an hour away because that is where the CF clinic is etc... they know more about my condition, health have dealt with me a lot etc... they advised to go in the ambulance since it was a long drive but it was up to us, I sort of didn't want to because I wanted to grab things but I also knew this wasn't like all the other times, I said okay (also because I've never had an ambulance ride so why not? even in these last days I'm still experiencing new things). I told my husband I just couldn't go to the hospital with pants like mine no way so we went in the bedroom and changed, oh my, all I can say is my husband is one amazing man, I am so so blessed to have him.
MH wanted to take a picture of me on the stretcher I said no, I don't want a picture of that, although I do kinda regret it. I did want to take a picture of inside the ambulance but I didn't have the camera or my phone on me. The ride up was boring, the siren is annoying, they really don't go that fast, they took the wrong road, you get a little car sick from looking out the back! Got there safe and sound so I'm glad.
Same old routine in the ER, long and you have to tell your story over and over and over, I have a letter from my Dr.'s that tells them to just take me to the ICU and that I will probably need to be intubated and embolized blah, blah... that's what happened, I don't want you to think I take it lightly, we know that with each hospital visit and especially intubation my chances of recovering get slimmer and slimmer, especially with this intubation I was a little nervous wondering if it was going to be the last time I saw MH or not. They finally did my favorite part...put me to sleep! they intubated me and embolized me that night, sorry when they embolize me they go in and put coils in my bronchial arteries where they think it is bleeding to clot them off and hopefully stop the bleeding. So now I have been intubated about 6-7 times and embolized 14 or so times.
Had a rough night that night I remember waking up and asking for my iPod so I could listen to music, they couldn't find it (MH had taken it home so it wasn't left there out in the open) so my nurse brought in a radio and turned it to country music (she asked me what kind) I don't know if it did any good but that was sure nice of her. They weaned me off the pain meds that made me sleepy that morning so that I could breathe on my own so they could extubate me, that is the worst part I tell you, so much pain and discomfort, not to mention that you are so so hungry! You have a big tube down your throat and it makes it hard to swallow and breath, they told me they would slowly move the machine down and that I had to breathe on my own for half an hour then they would pull the tube out, since I have done this a lot I knew that once the tube came out I could breathe much better but it still tested me.
That time is such a trying time, the whole time I thought what do the apostles and prophet do, how do they get through their pain and suffering? they have it, they are mortals still, some have experienced severe physical health problems, how did they do it? Even though you know it will get better it still is very hard to get through, and there was definately times that I told MH I didn't know if I was going to be able to get off the machine because it was really hard to breathe! Well like everything else it actually took an hour and a half to finally get the tube out!!!!!!! (makes me so mad, don't make promises in the hospital! that just hurts patients more!) yes it did help to get it out, I was breathing better, but still very painful and uncomfortable, and yes very very hungry.
They let me eat some applesauce/saltines/and jell-o that evening, applesauce never tasted soooooo good!!!! I ate four containers, I don't think they realized how much I was eating because I got some before the nurse shift change and then after plus I had one of the nurses aides get me some, hahaha, I also had two glasses of juice and two jell-o's oh and 6 packs of saltines (you know the ones that have two crackers in them) what a wonderful dinner!
Another bad night (okay there never is a good night in the hospital I will stop saying that). I hate being so tired, but then when you don't feel good it really doesn't make a difference. They moved me out of ICU on Monday that was nice, less wires a little more freedom a much better view. Things were going well and I started talking to the dr.'s about going home on tues. (got to start early I always say) well, that night I coughed up more blood, called MH he came back, not much to do but hope that it was leftover or something, if it happened again they would probably start all over with the intubation and surgery again.
At about 3am I turned over and I think I felt a little pop but I definately felt my lung start to hurt really bad, I couldn't move to the side etc... I told the nurse, I think I even specifically called her to tell her (and ask for pain meds at the same time) but on a scale from 1-10 I gave it a 9, which I never do, even when I'm coughing up blood I am never a 9, so if you know me at all that would have been a red flag, I told the dr. in the morning and the thought occurred to me that I should get an x-ray, didn't mention it to them, as the day wore on it was getting harder to breathe, I was getting pain meds so the pain wasn't as bad, although I still kept it at a 6-7, but it just started getting really hard to breathe, you could totally tell I was panting etc... so finally at 3pm they took an x-ray and then boom things started happening, I had Tension Pneumotherax (a life-threatening crisis) what had happened was a cyst burst and air was pushing my lung which in turn was pushing my heart over so I had air filling between my lung and the lung wall, so they had to put a chest tube in asap, my husband saw the x-ray and he said it was incredible the dr.'s were amazed at how far over my heart was, not good.
I was nervous about a chest tube, I had one after I got my lobectomy last feb. but they put it in after surgery so I wasn't awake! but they did a great job, couldn't have been better, afterwards I did feel a release and could finally breathe deeper but then I had a sharp pain! So I traded in my suffocating pain to a sword in my side pain! I could breathe better but at a big price! they hooked up different pain meds, the one with the button I had to remember to push every ten min. that pain med. was better but I didn't like that I had to remember to push it a lot. Finally started feeling better, eating good, sleeping bad, they couldn't give me any sleeping meds while on these pain meds, and can I just tell you how uncomfortable the beds are! If you have a friend that is going to be in the hospital for awhile please go to wal-mart and buy them an egg crate, they are cheap and make a HUGE difference, also some cheap pillows because the hospital ones are plastic and make you so sweaty (so is the bed that is also why the egg crate is so nice, then you aren't sweating all the time) I finally wised up and asked my parents to get me an egg crate and pillow two nights before I left and it made a HUGE difference, thank you so much to them.
Like my one post said I even got a computer two days before I left, now I know how to get one and next time hopefully will get one sooner (see again, still learning something new). Friday they clamped the chest tube off to see if I would be alright and did x-rays, they took the tube out that afternoon but wanted to keep me overnight just to make sure (even though I really wanted to come home I knew that was the best thing) they always take forever to discharge you and especially on sat. I didn't get out of there until the afternoon, they wanted another x-ray to make sure there wasn't more air etc... I wanted it just as much as them because I don't want to go home and have problems breathing but come on, move it people!!! Also on friday the day it was getting hard to stay I got a card 'or good mail' from a fellow blogger, it lifted my spirits so much, she didn't know I was in the hospital it just happened to come at the right time, thank you so much. Also my sister didn't send my birthday box on my birthday but it happened to be a good thing since we ended up moving and then the day she sent it I went in the hospital but that ended up being good because I got it in the hospital, I have never gotten a package while in the hospital it was so nice!
I don't mind the hospital when I am sick and really need it, when I couldn't breathe I didn't mind being there with a chest tube in, but when I am telling the nurses when to bring my meds what to do etc.. then I feel I need to go home because I take care of myself there anyways, the only thing the hospital is doing for me then is making me lose weight and sleep, none of which I can afford!
It's still been rough at home I lost more lung function and ability to do stuff, have had trouble sleeping, we just recently tried the bi-pap last weekend, that hurt my face soooo bad!!!! I took a two day break to see if it really did help me or not, I will try it again tonight and conclude the verdict.
Everyday is a blessing, I'm grateful so much for my husband and family for their support and love. I love reading blogs and wish I had more blog friends, wish I was a better blog friend! I am trying to post better and more personal on my blog so you can get to know me better, well you can't get much more personal than this post!!!
Here's my ugliness!!!!!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Why don't you post anymore?
I hope that is what you guys are thinking when you check my blog, I hope there are still some who check my blog! From Health issues to moving issues to Internet issues it's been hard to post! I haven't had the internet working for a couple days now, drives me nuts! I love my internet! I love reading blogs etc... I also have good days and bad, yesterday was bad, I don't know why I was so tired but I would be awake for a couple hours and then need a nap! over and over, and these aren't short naps I'm talking hours naps, plus it's hard to breathe, I lost more lung function and am running on about 10% lung capacity now so needless to say I get out of breath fast and have a hard time breathing!....luckily today I have felt better and actually haven't taken a nap today, I meant to this afternoon but the internet was working and I've just been catching up on blogs!
So I don't know what else to say, I'm still around just hanging in there, trying to read more because there is nothing on basic tv (how I miss cable) especially now that my evening shows are over. But sometimes my health won't let me read! When you are really really tired reading doesn't help!!!!!
My husband is the best he is so patient and kind and helpful. I love him with all my heart and am so so blessed that he is mine for time and all eternity! Also he just started the Respiratory Therapy program and I'm so proud of him.
So I don't know what else to say, I'm still around just hanging in there, trying to read more because there is nothing on basic tv (how I miss cable) especially now that my evening shows are over. But sometimes my health won't let me read! When you are really really tired reading doesn't help!!!!!
My husband is the best he is so patient and kind and helpful. I love him with all my heart and am so so blessed that he is mine for time and all eternity! Also he just started the Respiratory Therapy program and I'm so proud of him.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Where to start?
I have so much to catch up on, so much to type! I need to write about our sudden move and then my hospital visit with ambulance ride.... do I get into it? do you ever feel like it's too much to type? although usually once I get started it turns out okay, hopefully that will happen here. Let's try...
Again it's kinda hard to start a story about the in-laws without background stuff etc.. but for my sake I will ask you to research my other posts on them or just try and catch on to what's going on.... they show up, okay back track...we have been living in their basement and renting out the upstairs for a year and half with no problems whatsoever, the couple graduated and moved the beginning of Jan. instead of renting it out for more money they decide to let their other son and some roommates move in (from the very beginning we knew it was going to be bad but we're adults and we can do it) so right off the bat for some reason there is problems with the utilities don't ask why or how because if you pay half then it's half, his brother wanted a copy of the bills each month which was fine but can you say 'I don't trust you' any louder? so there was some calls back and forth he called his parents they called us blah blah, finally we brought his brother downstairs and walked him through it asked if it was okay what he thought would it work blah blah, as adults we worked it out! amazing! why involve his parents? so the last time we talked to them in Jan. was a little tiff over the utilities. They don't call for six weeks, that's right, not once in Feb. did they call (and they even had an extra day!)
They call, I say 'hello' and the first thing they say is 'we're coming up on the 18th!' I love how they just announce it and one expect us to be happy and two to just assume that our house is available for them to sleep in! So that's all they said, they didn't tell me when they were coming in and they didn't even talk to my husband! They were coming just for them and only staying with us because technically 'it's their house' the day arrived and their flight was cancelled so they called to tell me that and that they were coming two days later, again no time, I asked them around what time so I could prepare myself, they said around 5pm, well that day they call my husband in the morning and say 'I hear there is a problem with picking us up at the airport' no, no problem his brother has to do it because MH is in school and had a major test coming up (and plus THEY NEVER ASKED FOR A RIDE! OR TOLD HIM WHEN THEY WERE COMING OR WHAT FLIGHT!) oh well his brother has a class at 6 so he can't blah blah, MH said he couldn't and that his brother would just have to miss class! Or they have an aunt that lives near the airport and MH could then pick them up later if they wanted.
So we are waiting that night, haven't heard a word from them, finally about 10:30 at night because we are thinking of going to bed we try calling them to find out if they are coming, turns out they are going to stay with the aunt overnight! Thanks for letting us know!!!! Then I tell them that the next day I have a dr. appoint. and we will not be home until 6pm or so were they going to be coming sooner (because I want to lock the door and protect my dogs) they were going skiing so it should be fine. We were on our way home and they call....we can't get into your house....(again what's the big deal if his brother lives upstairs? they can just hang out there!!!!).
They gave me my birthday present that night (it was the following tuesday) she had put together a scrapbook of the dogs, finally a nice present (they totally forgot me last year, that's another story). They go skiing again the next day and it's tradition to all go out to eat for birthdays and that night was the only free night so we went (oddly enough his brother didn't join us, had some excuse..)
Sunday was Easter we were going to my parents it had been pre-planned before they told us they were coming, and they were going to go to his aunts house, we have church in the morning and with my health I needed a nap before we were to leave, we get all settled for a nap and get the dogs quiet and his mom knocks on the door and opens it a crack!!!! HELLO PRIVACY! she tells us it's really cold upstairs and his brothers mad and not to play with a switch that goes with the heater, blah blah, okay thanks for waking up the dogs making them bark now we all have to quiet down again. Short time later another knock and opening of the door, we are thinking of selling the house because you guys can't get along something about utilities blah blah, thanks for waking us and the dogs again, my husband and I are talking about stuff know.... A THIRD TIME, We've decided to sell the sell we need to have a family conference some time, well by that time we are awake and ready to talk so we say fine let's do it know but his brother is mad that's why they said later (I say grow up and be a man, he is 30 after all, can't you talk about it?) so we sit down with his parents first and start talking about things and we were going to finally bring everything out they have said some things to us that we have let slide and know we want an explanation. And we said it was fine for them to sell the house, I think they should because then it won't be a headache for them, but that won't solve their sons not getting along.
So we brought up some of the hurtful things that his mom had said in Nov. I told them I feel like they want and are just waiting for me to die so that MH can make more money or get roommates and pay more rent, all they said was a quiet no. As for the things his mom said, she said she had thought about what she said and really nothing else, definately no apology for what she said, then she got up and went to go get his brother! She swept it under the carpet like everything else. So she comes down and says that MH brother doesn't consider him a brother or us family anymore, we are like fine, whatever, he comes in and right off the bat is swearing and telling us that he doesn't care the ____about us pointing at each one of us (my husband and I) and telling us this, that this is all business, fine... he was bringing up such stupid stuff that we didn't even know about and if you have the attitude that someone is out to be mean to you then that's how things are going to look! I mean you can take the same situation and from our view point it meant this, like MH had to move his golf clubs away from my oxygen stuff in the garage because it has to be clean and clear, well he was taking it that MH was just being mean and spitefull etc... tons of stuff like that, as for the utilites, one of the things was I had told him the amount and he told me he would get it for me that night, he didn't so we bugged him the next day, and the next etc... so he was mad that he didn't have a 'grace period', all he had to do was not tell me he was going to get them to me that night! I didn't tell him too! He could have said can I get this to you in two days? I would have been fine with that, he's the one that said he would do it that night!!!!!!
Part of the conversation was about Chugs, now back in Dec. when they were here we talked about him moving in and that he would then want Chugs to live with him and we said no he hasn't proven he can take care of her and besides she loves us and our home and her sister. Also they are single guys and Chugs loves people food and you get my point, in fact when he did have her they actually had to go have her stomach pumped because she ate a whole bag of chocolate! so his mom and I were talking about all these things and she realized that Chugs would be safer with us, but she could visit upstairs and we said yes. So during this conversation I turned to his mom and said that she had told me she didn't want Chugs up there, SHE DENIED IT!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it! and call it a coincidence I'm not pointing fingers but the two times Chugs went upstairs without one of us there she threw up that night, both times, just a coincidence.
It just got worse and worse, he was swearing a lot, MH told him he didn't have to swear so much and he said 'that's how I talk' and he said something else and MH said 'that's not very Christlike' and he said I don't care the *&@# &*^#@ about Christ! And his parents are still in the room!!!!! Then he pointed his fingers/hand at MH and told him he didn't care the F**** about him and then turned to me and said the same thing, MH thinks he said the B-word too I don't know because when he did that you could feel the hatred in his voice and you could fill this evil nasty spirit, I have never felt that way in my life, MH husband doesn't remember this happening but he sprang up when he said those things to me and I don't know quite how to explain it, but what my husband remembers is he was on top of his brother thinking 'what am I doing' and his Dad and everyone else was yelling 'Stop!stop!' they did, and MH was just saying 'don't ever speak to my wife like that again, you don't ever speak to someone's wife like that' his brother left and he had been sitting on the container of dog food so it was busted and stuff so his parents started cleaning up, I am really shook up and MH is too, he's never done something like that in his life! it just happened! I went to my room with the dog (I hadn't let Chugs go from my lap half-way through the conversation), my husband came in a little while later to just calm down, he was shaking! He kept telling his parents he's sorry he doesn't know why that happened etc... well, as his mom is sweeping up dog food she is muttering under her breath, 'all you guys care about is money' as in what we said to them... What!
So we were in our room and they don't even say bye they just leave to go to dinner. I was so frightened and scared, I honestly couldn't stay in my house any longer, I couldn't live underneath his brother with that hatred/evil feeling, whenever I thought about it...I don't know, so we called some friends that had said if we were ever in a bind and needed help they would help, they happen to have their basement free at the time and we packed up my immediate stuff and went over (didn't make it to Easter dinner, in fact my Dad and brothers wanted to come down and help and whatever) so that night MH went back with our friends suburban to get more stuff (I have a lot of medical stuff) and his parents came home and went upstairs! they never said anything to MH and even if they didn't notice the moving out right then they sure did when they went down to sleep that night!
They never called, they didn't fly out until Wednesday, three days after we left, no phone call, no note left nothing. All I want honestly isn't neccessarily an apology just a 'what (his brother) said was inappropriate' could they not fill the hatred or evil spirit? if not they are totally past feeling, is it because they are afraid of making him more mad? of losing him because MH is the good son and would never do something like that..etc...they did send us an email, asking if we had gotten everything out of the basement yet, also they hope we are happy in our new location and they keep us in their prayers.
So for now we changed email/blog/phone because if they don't want to talk about real stuff or acknowledge anything is wrong we don't want to talk to them. And I will bet you anything they are not going to sell the house anymore they will rent out the basement too. Oh also because his brother was paying more rent than us (don't get me started on the financial differences between us, a single person with a full-time job compared to a married couple where one can't work, has a terminal illness and the other one works part-time) he gets more house priviledges like parking in the garage etc...
It is very nice to get live in a place with no strings attached and they aren't hanging it over our heads that we can't pay a lot of rent. Although of all people you would think that parents would be more understanding and more helpful than friends but no.
So that's the jist of that. Hands are sore now will do the hospital visit later.
Again it's kinda hard to start a story about the in-laws without background stuff etc.. but for my sake I will ask you to research my other posts on them or just try and catch on to what's going on.... they show up, okay back track...we have been living in their basement and renting out the upstairs for a year and half with no problems whatsoever, the couple graduated and moved the beginning of Jan. instead of renting it out for more money they decide to let their other son and some roommates move in (from the very beginning we knew it was going to be bad but we're adults and we can do it) so right off the bat for some reason there is problems with the utilities don't ask why or how because if you pay half then it's half, his brother wanted a copy of the bills each month which was fine but can you say 'I don't trust you' any louder? so there was some calls back and forth he called his parents they called us blah blah, finally we brought his brother downstairs and walked him through it asked if it was okay what he thought would it work blah blah, as adults we worked it out! amazing! why involve his parents? so the last time we talked to them in Jan. was a little tiff over the utilities. They don't call for six weeks, that's right, not once in Feb. did they call (and they even had an extra day!)
They call, I say 'hello' and the first thing they say is 'we're coming up on the 18th!' I love how they just announce it and one expect us to be happy and two to just assume that our house is available for them to sleep in! So that's all they said, they didn't tell me when they were coming in and they didn't even talk to my husband! They were coming just for them and only staying with us because technically 'it's their house' the day arrived and their flight was cancelled so they called to tell me that and that they were coming two days later, again no time, I asked them around what time so I could prepare myself, they said around 5pm, well that day they call my husband in the morning and say 'I hear there is a problem with picking us up at the airport' no, no problem his brother has to do it because MH is in school and had a major test coming up (and plus THEY NEVER ASKED FOR A RIDE! OR TOLD HIM WHEN THEY WERE COMING OR WHAT FLIGHT!) oh well his brother has a class at 6 so he can't blah blah, MH said he couldn't and that his brother would just have to miss class! Or they have an aunt that lives near the airport and MH could then pick them up later if they wanted.
So we are waiting that night, haven't heard a word from them, finally about 10:30 at night because we are thinking of going to bed we try calling them to find out if they are coming, turns out they are going to stay with the aunt overnight! Thanks for letting us know!!!! Then I tell them that the next day I have a dr. appoint. and we will not be home until 6pm or so were they going to be coming sooner (because I want to lock the door and protect my dogs) they were going skiing so it should be fine. We were on our way home and they call....we can't get into your house....(again what's the big deal if his brother lives upstairs? they can just hang out there!!!!).
They gave me my birthday present that night (it was the following tuesday) she had put together a scrapbook of the dogs, finally a nice present (they totally forgot me last year, that's another story). They go skiing again the next day and it's tradition to all go out to eat for birthdays and that night was the only free night so we went (oddly enough his brother didn't join us, had some excuse..)
Sunday was Easter we were going to my parents it had been pre-planned before they told us they were coming, and they were going to go to his aunts house, we have church in the morning and with my health I needed a nap before we were to leave, we get all settled for a nap and get the dogs quiet and his mom knocks on the door and opens it a crack!!!! HELLO PRIVACY! she tells us it's really cold upstairs and his brothers mad and not to play with a switch that goes with the heater, blah blah, okay thanks for waking up the dogs making them bark now we all have to quiet down again. Short time later another knock and opening of the door, we are thinking of selling the house because you guys can't get along something about utilities blah blah, thanks for waking us and the dogs again, my husband and I are talking about stuff know.... A THIRD TIME, We've decided to sell the sell we need to have a family conference some time, well by that time we are awake and ready to talk so we say fine let's do it know but his brother is mad that's why they said later (I say grow up and be a man, he is 30 after all, can't you talk about it?) so we sit down with his parents first and start talking about things and we were going to finally bring everything out they have said some things to us that we have let slide and know we want an explanation. And we said it was fine for them to sell the house, I think they should because then it won't be a headache for them, but that won't solve their sons not getting along.
So we brought up some of the hurtful things that his mom had said in Nov. I told them I feel like they want and are just waiting for me to die so that MH can make more money or get roommates and pay more rent, all they said was a quiet no. As for the things his mom said, she said she had thought about what she said and really nothing else, definately no apology for what she said, then she got up and went to go get his brother! She swept it under the carpet like everything else. So she comes down and says that MH brother doesn't consider him a brother or us family anymore, we are like fine, whatever, he comes in and right off the bat is swearing and telling us that he doesn't care the ____about us pointing at each one of us (my husband and I) and telling us this, that this is all business, fine... he was bringing up such stupid stuff that we didn't even know about and if you have the attitude that someone is out to be mean to you then that's how things are going to look! I mean you can take the same situation and from our view point it meant this, like MH had to move his golf clubs away from my oxygen stuff in the garage because it has to be clean and clear, well he was taking it that MH was just being mean and spitefull etc... tons of stuff like that, as for the utilites, one of the things was I had told him the amount and he told me he would get it for me that night, he didn't so we bugged him the next day, and the next etc... so he was mad that he didn't have a 'grace period', all he had to do was not tell me he was going to get them to me that night! I didn't tell him too! He could have said can I get this to you in two days? I would have been fine with that, he's the one that said he would do it that night!!!!!!
Part of the conversation was about Chugs, now back in Dec. when they were here we talked about him moving in and that he would then want Chugs to live with him and we said no he hasn't proven he can take care of her and besides she loves us and our home and her sister. Also they are single guys and Chugs loves people food and you get my point, in fact when he did have her they actually had to go have her stomach pumped because she ate a whole bag of chocolate! so his mom and I were talking about all these things and she realized that Chugs would be safer with us, but she could visit upstairs and we said yes. So during this conversation I turned to his mom and said that she had told me she didn't want Chugs up there, SHE DENIED IT!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it! and call it a coincidence I'm not pointing fingers but the two times Chugs went upstairs without one of us there she threw up that night, both times, just a coincidence.
It just got worse and worse, he was swearing a lot, MH told him he didn't have to swear so much and he said 'that's how I talk' and he said something else and MH said 'that's not very Christlike' and he said I don't care the *&@# &*^#@ about Christ! And his parents are still in the room!!!!! Then he pointed his fingers/hand at MH and told him he didn't care the F**** about him and then turned to me and said the same thing, MH thinks he said the B-word too I don't know because when he did that you could feel the hatred in his voice and you could fill this evil nasty spirit, I have never felt that way in my life, MH husband doesn't remember this happening but he sprang up when he said those things to me and I don't know quite how to explain it, but what my husband remembers is he was on top of his brother thinking 'what am I doing' and his Dad and everyone else was yelling 'Stop!stop!' they did, and MH was just saying 'don't ever speak to my wife like that again, you don't ever speak to someone's wife like that' his brother left and he had been sitting on the container of dog food so it was busted and stuff so his parents started cleaning up, I am really shook up and MH is too, he's never done something like that in his life! it just happened! I went to my room with the dog (I hadn't let Chugs go from my lap half-way through the conversation), my husband came in a little while later to just calm down, he was shaking! He kept telling his parents he's sorry he doesn't know why that happened etc... well, as his mom is sweeping up dog food she is muttering under her breath, 'all you guys care about is money' as in what we said to them... What!
So we were in our room and they don't even say bye they just leave to go to dinner. I was so frightened and scared, I honestly couldn't stay in my house any longer, I couldn't live underneath his brother with that hatred/evil feeling, whenever I thought about it...I don't know, so we called some friends that had said if we were ever in a bind and needed help they would help, they happen to have their basement free at the time and we packed up my immediate stuff and went over (didn't make it to Easter dinner, in fact my Dad and brothers wanted to come down and help and whatever) so that night MH went back with our friends suburban to get more stuff (I have a lot of medical stuff) and his parents came home and went upstairs! they never said anything to MH and even if they didn't notice the moving out right then they sure did when they went down to sleep that night!
They never called, they didn't fly out until Wednesday, three days after we left, no phone call, no note left nothing. All I want honestly isn't neccessarily an apology just a 'what (his brother) said was inappropriate' could they not fill the hatred or evil spirit? if not they are totally past feeling, is it because they are afraid of making him more mad? of losing him because MH is the good son and would never do something like that..etc...they did send us an email, asking if we had gotten everything out of the basement yet, also they hope we are happy in our new location and they keep us in their prayers.
So for now we changed email/blog/phone because if they don't want to talk about real stuff or acknowledge anything is wrong we don't want to talk to them. And I will bet you anything they are not going to sell the house anymore they will rent out the basement too. Oh also because his brother was paying more rent than us (don't get me started on the financial differences between us, a single person with a full-time job compared to a married couple where one can't work, has a terminal illness and the other one works part-time) he gets more house priviledges like parking in the garage etc...
It is very nice to get live in a place with no strings attached and they aren't hanging it over our heads that we can't pay a lot of rent. Although of all people you would think that parents would be more understanding and more helpful than friends but no.
So that's the jist of that. Hands are sore now will do the hospital visit later.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Life Interrupted....
So I just start getting situated and thinking that wow my health has been holding out and maybe just maybe I will have a good year and in my deepest most secret thoughts actually thought maybe I was getting a little better.
NOPE! Life has been interupted again by another hospital visit, I have been here since last saturday and would have gone home on tuesday if I didn't end up needing a chest tube that day! So now we are just working on getting that out then I can go home.
I will have to write all about what happened, for the first time I actually rode in an ambulance to the hospital!
This is also the first time I have had access to a computer in the hospital, although one of my fingers has the pulse oximeter hooked to it and makes it a little hard to type, I love the internet! it has been so nice to read blogs instead of just flip through tv channels!
So hopefully I will get this chest tube out today and home tomorrow, I miss my doggies a lot. I also just downloaded new photos so I need to post them.
Aaahhh, more blood people and x-ray people gotta go!
NOPE! Life has been interupted again by another hospital visit, I have been here since last saturday and would have gone home on tuesday if I didn't end up needing a chest tube that day! So now we are just working on getting that out then I can go home.
I will have to write all about what happened, for the first time I actually rode in an ambulance to the hospital!
This is also the first time I have had access to a computer in the hospital, although one of my fingers has the pulse oximeter hooked to it and makes it a little hard to type, I love the internet! it has been so nice to read blogs instead of just flip through tv channels!
So hopefully I will get this chest tube out today and home tomorrow, I miss my doggies a lot. I also just downloaded new photos so I need to post them.
Aaahhh, more blood people and x-ray people gotta go!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
One Word Tag...
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
Not as easy as you might think. Change the answers to suit you and then pass it on. Remember: one word answers.
1. Where is your mobile phone? Sofa
2. Your significant other? Perfect
3. Your hair? Blah
4. Your mother? Special
5. Your father? Loving
6. Your favorite thing? Husband
7. Your dream last night? Forgot
8. Your favorite drink? Lemonade
9. Your dream/goal? Live
10. The room you're in? Livingroom
11. Your ex? None
12. Your fear? Run out of oxygen (I know totally broke the rule)
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Alive
14. Where were you last night? Here
15. What you're not? Healthy
16. Muffins? No
17. One of your wish list items? Car
18. Where you grew up? Texas
19. The last thing you did? Blog
20. What are you wearing? Jacket
21. Your TV? On
22. Your pets? Cutest
23. Your computer? Apple
24. Your life? Hard
26. Missing someone? Sister
27. Your car? Crappy
28. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
29. Favorite Store? Costco
30. Your summer? Hot
31. Like someone? Spouse
32. Your favorite color? Blue
33. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
34. Last time you cried? April
35. Who will/would re-post this? Everyone?
Anyone who wants to do this feel free!
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
Not as easy as you might think. Change the answers to suit you and then pass it on. Remember: one word answers.
1. Where is your mobile phone? Sofa
2. Your significant other? Perfect
3. Your hair? Blah
4. Your mother? Special
5. Your father? Loving
6. Your favorite thing? Husband
7. Your dream last night? Forgot
8. Your favorite drink? Lemonade
9. Your dream/goal? Live
10. The room you're in? Livingroom
11. Your ex? None
12. Your fear? Run out of oxygen (I know totally broke the rule)
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Alive
14. Where were you last night? Here
15. What you're not? Healthy
16. Muffins? No
17. One of your wish list items? Car
18. Where you grew up? Texas
19. The last thing you did? Blog
20. What are you wearing? Jacket
21. Your TV? On
22. Your pets? Cutest
23. Your computer? Apple
24. Your life? Hard
26. Missing someone? Sister
27. Your car? Crappy
28. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
29. Favorite Store? Costco
30. Your summer? Hot
31. Like someone? Spouse
32. Your favorite color? Blue
33. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday
34. Last time you cried? April
35. Who will/would re-post this? Everyone?
Anyone who wants to do this feel free!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Word of the Month...
April's word of the month is JOURNALS, after reading this article in the April Ensign I really wanted to work on doing a better job of writing in my journal. A few things that really touched me in the article were these quotes:
President Spencer W. Kimball’s admonition to “begin today and write … your goings and your comings, your deeper thoughts, your achievements, and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies. We hope you will do this, … for this is what the Lord has commanded, and those who keep a personal journal are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives.”
I think sometimes I didn't write in my journal because I felt I had nothing to say, but after reading this I knew that even if I just wrote about what the little things, if I went somewhere or did something that it would matter. Also Pres. Kimball said that those that keep a journal are more likely to keep the Lord in remembrance in their daily lives and I know that's true because I can't write in my journal without mentioning something that the Lord has done for me.
I discovered a therapeutic means to resolve emotional, social, and spiritual issues I face. As I record thoughts on the pages of my journal, I have learned to quickly get to the heart of the matter when something disturbs me. I am also able to retain the lessons of life easier without having to repeat mistakes of the past.
I have improved my writing skills. I have never taken a writing course, but I have become a better writer simply because I practice writing each day.
I have also experienced the therapeutic outlet of a journal, if I don't write it down I just go over and over it in my head, also I don't like my handwriting (or think I am a good writer) so I know that if I write in my journal everyday it will help me with my handwriting (and writing) skills.
I have discovered that many of my righteous desires are eventually fulfilled. Many times I have recorded righteous aspirations, and years later I have found that those desires have been granted. This form of importuning the Lord has been so dramatic to me that now, much of what I write is simply an expression of the righteous desires I have for my life and my family. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened” (Matthew 7:7). This scripture brings new understanding to me as I humbly ask the Lord for my wants and needs on the pages of my journal.
This is something that is true, you can look back and see how righteous desires are fulfilled and miracles occurred, I want to continue to see this and therefore need to continue to write in my journal.
I have created a form of personal scripture by recording the inspiration and revelations I have received. I’ve come to realize the truth in the words of Elder John H. Groberg, a former member of the Quorum of the Seventy: “There is something eternal in the very nature of writing, as is so graphically illustrated by the scriptures themselves. In a very real sense, our properly written histories are a very important part of our family scripture and become a great source of spiritual strength to us and to our posterity.” Occasionally I return to my journal to reflect on former thoughts and am filled with the Spirit as I read previous spiritual promptings.
I always thought, why keep a journal when I am not going to 1) have posterity and 2)I don't want them to read what I write anyways! But recently I have wanted to leave something, I know I won't have great grandchildren to read my journal but I will have a spouse and family and I want to make sure they know and see the hand of the Lord in my life and also all the love and support that they showed me.
So I know have a goal to do better at writing in my journal even if it's just to write down the little things my husband does for me each day because then when he looks back and reads it he will see just how much he really did for me, and I also hope that I can leave my testimony so my family can read it and be strengthened by it.
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